Palomides Community :: View topic

ducks · APuissantAquaticFowl

I've been a bash.org reader for quite awhile now. When I run across one that stands out, I add it to a text file. This is that file.. enjoy the web's finest.. Wink

<patches> I like pussy better than drugs
<patches> I've never heard of an OD off pussy
<octane> its called A CHILD

<fahd> stop making fun of my religion. islam isn't funyn, it's serious
<fahd> now shutup, i have to study for calculus
<Hat> Fahd, is Allah good at calculus?
<fahd> > Sad

<Hat> Yeah, I guess not. He's only good at bomb mak.... I mean chemistry.

<Hat> Someone explain this to me.
<Hat> On an 80 minute CD
<Hat> I somehow recorded 1 hour and 15 minutes of music
<Lobot> That's 75 minutes.
<Hat> .....
<Hat> oh. right.
<Hat> Goddamn time.

<Bop> you know what they say about black guys!
<Mondo> yeah
<Mondo> they steal shit
<Bop> shut up!
<Bop> my dads black!
<Mondo> im only screwin round Razz

<Bop> I was only kiddin too
<Bop> My dad is white
<Bop> he's an arsehole tho
<Mondo> so he might as well be black ?

<babywafn> ew
<babywafn> all they had was
<babywafn> diet caffeine free pepsi twist
<babywafn> which is basically pepsi's way of saying 'FUCK YOU'

<HomerJ> damn, how many newsgroups are there now?
<HomerJ> 80k+
<HomerJ> I just want some porn

<DAL9000> my pseudogirlfriend's preacher was like, all over her
<DAL9000> and she's not very liked at her church
<DAL9000> cuz they think she's seducing him
<trep> pseudogirlfriend, haha
<DAL9000> yes
<DAL9000> that's a fancy word for stalking interest.

The-ill-man- *beat kicks in* yo yo you know i be somkein some grass, tappin some ass, while rippin on bowls, and hittin on hoes
-cyanide- ur smoking weed while fucking girls while smoking weed while trying to pick up girls.. nice rap..

<qrg> Ajchez: i think they call those girls bbw
<Ajchez> bbw????
<qrg> big beautiful women
<Ajchez> i have a weight limit
<krezt> whats your limit?
<krezt> i can do anything i can lift
<krezt> if they put out my back they aint getting no kak

<Guilty> In my politics class, my teacher said the reason crime is dropping today is because the abortions started in 1973 of single mothers of ethnic backgrounds
<Guilty> Hence all the kids who were never born, arent here today to be criminals

<kinzillah> pie.
<jej> cocks.
<kinzillah> now THAT'S some word association right there

<Psych0> I wake up to find that someone created a folder in my shared
Folder
<Psych0> Called Psycho is gay
<Psych0> Furthermore i find two instances of nimda in it
<Psych0> anyone find that weird?
<Forty> Sounds normal
<Forty> Did you update Windows lately? It's in service pack 2
<Psych0> I have win 98
<Psych0> :
<Forty> Yeah that sounds right

<G> Microsoft Aims for Software in Every Car
<G> Oh great
<G> Now our cars will crash
<Crucial> blue windshield of death

<snack> You read about that guy on BBC that got 6 nails stuck in him?
<Crips> yea, mustve been a quake 1 addict suffering withdrawal...i bet he had like 1hp left
<Crips> if it was a super nailgun hed be dead

<RaMTuFF> i like my women like i like my coffee
<RaMTuFF> quiet !

<kr0ss> people who get offended by '666' can suck my 6.66 inch cock

<paul> anyone know what a .ace file is
<moneo> all i know is it beats a .kng

<GreyPawn> My friend Dan once woke up screaming because his nuts got twisted around each other.

<stupidMM> A District council must have designed woman.
<stupidMM> Only a they would put a playground next to a sewage plant

<palos> i loved electives cause there were actually girls in them, oh and they were really easy Smile

<blindwork> the girls or the classes?
<palos> yes

<seeksama> i think my semen is the color of the last gatorade i drank
<seeksama> like thos commericials with the guys sweating red
<seeksama> i can cum red if i drink the right gatorade
<seeksama> or purple
<seeksama> it owns
<Mikelite> ...

<Archeoptrix> Some girl I know is goign to open up an abortion clinic called "Humpty Dumpty" when she grows up

<AL> Two families move from Pakistan to America.
<AL> When they arrive the two fathers make a bet - in a year's time whichever family has become more American will win.
<AL> A year later they meet again:The first man says, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?"
<AL> The second man replies, "Fuck you, towelhead."

(Reverend_) i thought i had to shit really bad
(Reverend_) but then i just farted like 3 times, and now i'm all cool
(Reverend_) but my ass is kinda wet and sticky
(Reverend_) any hot chicks, msg me, and we'll talk about it
(Reverend_) share your feelings

<\> she was gonna come over and hang out tommorow
<\> but then... this stupid sept 11th thing
<\> and she has to go play in the band at some picnick
<\> hows that for you
<\> terrorists are cockblocking me.

<Andypoo> http://antarctica.starbiz.com.au/
<Andypoo> How much does it cost to go to Antarctica anyway? Smile

<nukie> its all downhill, so it wouldn't cost much
<nukie> only costs lots to come back, cause thats uphill

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?

PunkRocks64: we watched Matrix 1 in chemistry today.
PunkRocks64: and you know how Morpheus says the beginning of the end was the creation of AI?
EventuallyAdonis: what about it?
PunkRocks64: he says basically that the what started the machines taking over was human's fascination with AI..
PunkRocks64: and.. have you noticed that like 99% of our population is infatuated with American Idol .........
EventuallyAdonis: that's deep

* Silkenray eats a burnt cookie
<Silkenray> I'll pretend I didn't just clean up the eviscerated remains of my mother's used feminine hygeine products which my puppy distributed around the house.
<JDigital> Are you sure that was a cookie? >_<
<Silkenray> I know it was a cookie.
<Silkenray> My mother just baked it.
<JDigital> ...or pulled it out of her panties! Can you really be sure?

(doggie^): i would type that word, but i cant spell it
(doggie^): the one about getting pleasure from other people's misery
(slippy^): anal sex?

<just4helpin> How did you guys get your ideas for user names?
<synth> i dunno
<Wrench> im a tool

<Foobar> hah the FBI is probably monitoring us
<Foobar> BOMB BUILDINGS PLANES BOMBS HIJACK HIJACK BOMBS OSAMA BIN LADEN TERRORIST
*** Foobar has quit IRC (Read error: Connection reset by peer)

<Urban> Pardon my french
<RickBitch> don't you mean "pardon my freedom"?

<OwnerDemon> It kind of sucks now that there are so many computer jokes and innuendos on bash.org that people like me can't understand them.
<TheOne> 7|-|47z (|_|z j0012 4 f|_||<1n9 DUMB4SS!
<OwnerDemon> Exactly.

<doobie> where do you sickos get these fucking links
<doobie> i mean seroiusly, do you type in
<doobie> horribly disfigured penis into google?
<Diablo> no
<Diablo> actually i was searching for penises in mouse traps

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy

<God> keyweed, hah. i hate speaking in public Razz

<keyweed> God: that explains the past 2000 years.

<doobedoobedoo> I went to wales too, they're fucked people.
<doobedoobedoo> The language is really fucked up, it's like gaelic, only more fucked up.
<Thom> At least it isn't Ulster Scots.
<doobedoobedoo> Is that what they speak there? I thought they just spoke english really really poorly.

* Toke_ waits for pills to kick in
<Linguica> toke have you been toking
* Toke_ wonders why his desk is sticky
<Linguica> toke have you been stroking

<Effyis> oh crap...
<Effyis> i just dropped the dip on the floor
<gleep> Oh, well. Someone help KarbonCopy back up.
<KarbonCopy> me back up?
<KarbonCopy> what?
<KarbonCopy> HEY!

<djamok> wb justin
<JFlex> wb yourself, mother fucker.
<JFlex> Oh, welcome back, I get it.

<Kristy> i remember new years eve, 2000, everyone had their computers off because they were afraid they would blow up cause of y2k, and my boyfriend was begging me to have sex with him. and i was like "look at my ping! i am not going to get a 70 ping any other night! go watch tv and stop interrupting my tribes!!"

* +ramoth4 slaps politik with an unsigned long double
* +politik comes back with a _uint64 uppercut
* +ramoth4 pulls out a struct and returns fire
* +politik corrupts ramoth's heap
* +Fire_Elemental-Coding- ducks to avoid leaked memory
* +politik pops Fire_Elemental-Coding- square in the stack
* +ramoth4 stuffs politik's face in the bitbucket, and begins to operate on nil pointers
* +politik throws uncatchable exceptions around the room
* +ramoth4 dodges skillfully with his try-catch block
* +politik cuts off ramoth's private member
* +ramoth4 encapsulates the wound in a protected class
* +politik destroys all foes with up-casts to inappropriate derived classes!
* +politik is out of ideas
* +politik :: ~politik();
* +ramoth4 declares flipcode his namespace!
<ramoth4> I win!
* +ramoth4 beat C++.
<ramoth4> The last guy was hard.

<isurx> vinyl as in a record right?
<babo> Yes.
<ami_> as in 12 inches of black joy
<N8> like... never mind

<Wi> I'm madder than a 3 legged dog trying to hide a turd on a frozen pond.

<Loki> damn birds
<Loki> make too much noise
<_zOmbIE_> watercool them

<nersh> someone said the sexiest part of a woman is her mind... lol
<nersh> i can understand lying about that in front of girls
<nersh> but why do it on the internet

<Bonz> Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a "light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt out, it's because they're full.

<mx> i'm pretty sure XP comes with the same partitioning snap-in as windows 2000
<mx> anything else would be ridiculous
<norsende> yea i thought fdisk would be included but no
<mx> no fdisk
<norsende> dunno if there's some new proggie
<mx> i don't have an english windows, so i can't tell you. Here, it's on Start/Programme/Verwaltung/Computerverwaltung/Datenspeicher/Datentr

EternitySphere · Ecstacy TL

I approve.

Krac · Exalted Cyclops

tl;dr

ducks · APuissantAquaticFowl

caprl

(that's "Copy and Paste, Read Later"

Sapphyrre

funny stuff Smile

Mogrin

Daert?!

three in a row that i liked

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

<NES> lol
<NES> I download something from Napster
<NES> And the same guy I downloaded it from starts downloading it from me when I'm done
<NES> I message him and say "What are you doing? I just got that from you"
<NES> "getting my song back fucker"

<Jeedo> hey baby, whats up?
<Indidge> umm....nothing?
<Jeedo> So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
<Indidge> Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
<Jeedo> Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

ducks · APuissantAquaticFowl

Not sure how I missed this in the cut/paste. This is my personal fav...

<Donut> HEY EURAKARTE
<Donut> INSULT
<Eurakarte> RETORT
<Donut> COUNTER-RETORT
<Eurakarte> QUESTIONING OF SEXUAL PREFERENCE
<Donut> SUGGESTION TO SHUT THE FUCK UP
<Eurakarte> NOTATION THAT YOU CREATE A VACUUM
<Donut> RIPOSTE
<Donut> ADDON RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> COUNTER-RIPOSTE
<Donut> COUNTER-COUNTER RIPOSTE
<Eurakarte> NONSENSICAL STATEMENT INVOLVING PLANKTON
<Miles_Prower> RESPONSE TO RANDOM STATEMENT AND THREAT TO BAN OPPOSING SIDES
<Eurakarte> WORDS OF PRAISE FOR FISHFOOD
<Miles_Prower> ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTENCE OF TERMS

Gerbon

I found a few on there that I thought were hilarious

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

<jeebus> the "bishop" came to our church today
<jeebus> he was a fucken impostor
<jeebus> never once moved diagonally

<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you shit on the floor, and you can hear it fall but you have no idea where it actually landed, and spend like 5 minutes looking for it
<peng> ...
<peng> what?
<VolteFace`> oh shit
<VolteFace`> don't you hate it when you DROP shit

<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^

<Locl-Yocl> I helped the EMTs at a car wreck and got blood all over my arms and shirt. It looked like I murdered 20 people with a fork... anyway, I walked into a convieniance store down the street and said my girlfriend needs a tampon. The guy at the counter was mortified.

<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. Sad

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, shit

<Fashykekes> Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor Sad

<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense

<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it

Nolimdien

"<\> terrorists are cockblocking me."
hahah

Intrinsic AP

The 2nd one isn't even remotely funny. But Bash in general is fucking funny.

ducks · APuissantAquaticFowl

I found this one last night.. I thought it summed up the Palo.net boards fairly well...lol

t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right

Intrinsic AP

That was on the top100 page for like a million years.

And checking just now yep 4th in the top 100 Smile

Glendar · Cleric Guru

I think I lack a sense of humor because I found the majority of that absolutely retarded, and didn't laugh once.

derek

i was thinking the same. Some of them were good, but a lot were just not even funny to me.